Sunday, May 15, 2005

Never Enough Apathetic Ennui Department

So I have a dozen unfinished creative projects to complete, two dozen more projects I'd really like to start, and endless ideas I'd like to flesh out eventually. But, damn it, I feel drained, unwilling to lift a finger to approach any of these pursuits. I truly wish I knew what I needed to get creative again.

Part of me realizes that it's my schedule that is causing it. I used to work evening shifts, getting home and staying up until 2 AM, feverishly working in Photoshop before passing out. These days, if I stay up until midnight, it's a luxury. Another part of my creative angst is due to having options I didn't before. It used to be that my computer was my only electronic contact with "the outside world". Now I have a cable box with a Tivo-like DVR built in--not only do I have the ability to record shows I would otherwise never see, I can now spend hours sifting through it all. Those hours used to be spent mastering software and techniques. But here's the worst of all: I've lost all taste for self-discipline, and that has made it nearly impossible to sustain activity.

It's not that I lack the discipline, say, to do my job or to take care of my family. But it's as if, once I've used all that discipline to handle these critical areas of my life, I suddenly don't want to use any more. (In honesty, I don't want to use that discipline in such responsible ways, either--but at least I know how terrible that is to think, and try to overcome it.) Is it just a matter of discipline, however? I just don't feel the energy to be disciplined anymore. And I need to figure out how to get my energy back, somehow.

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