Thursday, December 20, 2001

Never Enough Legal Pronouncements Department

It's official; as of about 2 PM Pacific time on December 20, 2001, my legal name has been changed to Lilith Dawn Mitchell. Tomorrow I will go about getting a new Social Security card and a new photo ID. And then the process of informing all my creditors, previous employers, etc. may begin apace.

A right pain in the ass it is, and there will be more challenges to handle to come. And yet, I smile warmly every time I think about this landmark.


Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Never Enough News Updates Department

I've been quiet to much of the world as of late, and it's mainly because I've been very busy with many new changes in my life. 2001 is definitely proving to be a year of transition, and I'm not just talking about gender.

First off, I was laid off in early November. While I miss the money, I'm fortunate that my unemployment benefits match up to about 75% of my income. If I am frugal, I can survive. I have a year's supply of Delestrogen stock-piled so that is not a concern of mine. My other prescriptions are more worrisome, but I will manage as always.

The layoff allowed me to visit my family in Texas for the first time in seven years, in time for Thanksgiving. The only real rough spots were that my father kept calling me by the male name. But he and I talked more in the few sentences we shared before I left than all we had effectively said to each other in years. I think he understands that I am a much happier person for this, and so he's at least trying to come to terms with my transsexuality.

Grandma Burr said I was pretty.

My mother, my brother Scott, and his wife Joy were great, too. Joy was a bit awkward just because I don't think she had known a transsexual up close before. She called me a transvestite at one point, but that was pure innocence on her part, so I gently corrected her and explained what was entailed in being transsexual. She was curious, of course. But all in all, she lived up to her name.

Joy's sister and her husband were friendly and interested in finding out more about transsexuals. That, and several pints of beer, led to some interesting conversations; the exclamation "NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?"* sticks in my head still. Apparently they were talking about trying to get me to convert to their form of Baptist. Scott quickly filled in that I have already gone through my Fundie trip and got burned on hypocrisy and so isn't particularly interested in church. He sagely didn't mention my being a minister in the Church of the SubGenius.

* Brassard's going rate for SRS, last I checked. A bargain, I told them.

I'm ecstatic about the way my family is adjusting to my gender changes. It feels as if I have a family again. Of course, I was the one who moved away from them, but it felt necessary in order to move forward with my life. But it seems like all will be well in the end, and for that I am so grateful.

I then left Dallas for Columbus to visit with my OTHER family. Yes, and sorry girls, but I'm taken. SMITTEN DUMB, I am, and it's great. For I have found the perfect woman for me. Her name is Cynthia and she's cuddly and she's pervy and she's a SubGenius. And somehow we seem to be staggeringly compatible domestically, emotionally, sexually, and in every other way, and YET have enough healthy differences to help propel us forward. Did I mention she's pervy?

She and I have actually known each other for years, but it wasn't until earlier this year that I sent her to my site. She found my rant on Tummy Liberation and that's when her lesbian side first showed up in my life. I told her a while later that I was transsexual and found out she had a special place in her heart for all trannies, I showed her a personal ad I had written exploring my more dominant, fetishist side, only to find out that the ideal submissive I described matched her nearly perfectly. Then I started introducing her to the metal bands I enjoy, and when I found out used to be a hesher and really loved to listen to metal LOUD, I knew she was the one. Nothing since has changed that impression.

We are currently bound under a one-year Short Duration Marriage (TM) and she permanently wears a collar of some sort, usually a black bead choker to symbolize the recycled rubber collar I presented to her. She gave me a beautiful black and silver leash to go with the collar. We got matching silver rings with black triangles and will probably get something flashier for a permanent wedding ring. And we'll be married legally as soon as I can get work, with a SubGenius wedding at Brushwood and another one in Seattle later on.

This all means:

1) I now have a stepson, a beautiful 10 year old redheaded whiz kid with a mild case of Tourette's, but despite dealing with my own familial insecurities I think he's cool and I hope to be a bigger part of his life in the future.

2) As soon as I find work, we will work towards the Small Move, when she comes to live with me and help find a place where we can make the Big Move and somehow raise a small family of diverse interests without feeling like the Aadams Family or the psychos from the Dan Akroyd/John Belushi sleeper *Neighbors*.

3) I may never be lonely again. We're almost telepathic.

4) The long-distance aspect truly bites. A distance of 2,437 miles and three time zones is pretty formidable. But we shall persevere.

Oh, there's one more thing I should mention. Today I'm going to the court house to finally submit the petition to change my legal name. I will never live part-time again, it is just too painful. The only real problem is I still need electrolysis, but I am planning to use some of my tax refund to get my mouth area cleared, and maybe work on the area where I get the most ingrown hairs and razor burn. Fortunately, the Delestrogen has severely lightened my beard, although there are still stubborn patches. It all goes, but some areas must go sooner. Other than that, I haven't had to act like a man for over a month now, and I am so happy for it.

Saturday, December 08, 2001

Never Enough Streaming Metal Radio

Lilith's Hymns Of The Dark is up and streaming most of the time, 24Kbps for the slower modems....

Main show right now is women in extreme metal. Enjoy.

Saturday, November 17, 2001

Never Enough Transgender Awareness Department

Temenos, one of my favorite GLBT resources on the planet, ran an article by Kai Williams to try to illustrate what it is like to be poor and transgendered, and interviewed transgender activist Jessica Xavier:

"We continue to be one of the most stigmatized populations on the planet," says Xavier, the former director of a national coalition of transgender political groups called It's Time! -America. Xavier recently cajoled the local health department into financing a survey of around 250 transgender people in D.C. Forty percent of respondents had not finished high school, and another 40 percent were unemployed. Almost half had no health insurance and reported not seeing a physician regularly. A quarter reported being HIV-positive, and another 35 percent reported having seriously considered suicide.

Xavier's was the latest in a series of such studies done in cities where relatively emboldened trans activists have pushed local officials to begin considering public policy solutions to their health care concerns. Across the board, they have found largely the same thing: higher rates of just about every indicator of social and economic distress. "And all because of the stigma," Xavier concludes.

Friday, November 16, 2001

Never Enough Dr. Gene Scott Department

From a rant by infamous Christian televangelist Dr. Gene Scott, in response to Jerry Falwell's remarks regarding the role of The American way, gays, lesbians, feminists, abortionists, etc. in the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001:
Christianity has abused Christians. As though when something wrong goes wrong, or wronger, it's because you sinned. Although there'll be those that will preach, 'Because of America's sin, the judgement of God's on them' well, go to Hell, you voices of the Devil.
Dr. Gene Scott is the Christian televangelist Spin once called "The Morton Downey Jr. of televangelists". He's one of the few of that variety I can stand, and he is a personal inspiration for my ranting style. "Bob" bless Dr. Scott.

Sunday, November 11, 2001

Never Enough Courageous Women Department

My short duration personal saviors of the moment:

Women on Waves

Every year 20 million abortions are performed under illegal and unsafe conditions, resulting in the deaths of an estimated 70,000 women annually. In response to this medical calamity, Women on Waves has developed a mobile gynecological unit, the 'A-portable'. It can easily be loaded onto a ship, which enables it to travel to wherever it is needed worldwide. The 'A-Portable' can also travel by truck allowing it to go to countries where reproductive health services are legal but largely unavailable, for example due to war.

You go, girls.

Saturday, November 10, 2001

Never Enough Kick Ass Quotes Department

A quote from Iranian President Mohammad Khatami: "The horrific terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, in the United States were perpetrated by cult of fanatics who had self-mutilated their ears and tongues, and could only communicate with perceived opponents through carnage and devastation."

Heavy, dood.

Friday, November 09, 2001

Never Enough Lilith Opera Department

The NY Times has an article on a new opera simply named 'Lilith'. It appears to be based upon the story of Lilith as presented in the SubGenius-like medieval parody, "The Alphabet Of Ben Sira" but includes sources such as the Seder Olam.

I really wish to see it, not just because of the subject, and not just because of the lesbian scene with Eve, but because the distinction between magick and theater is very thin, and this appears to be as much a work of powerful and beautiful ritual as singing in costumes.

There is more at the New York City Opera web page if you would like to read more on this performance.

Thursday, November 08, 2001

Never Enough Pogo Department

"The best break anybody ever gets is in bein' alive in the first place. An' you don't unnerstan' what a perfect deal it is until you realizes that you ain't gone be stuck with it forever, either." -- Porkypine

Never Enough Silver Linings Department

With the revelation that our gas money has been used to fund terrorist acts against ourselves, many Americans are starting to look at last at the issues that environmental issues couldn't touch before. True, the energy crisis in California earlier this year helped press the issue. But even then, all the solutions that had been offered were solutions we have been offered before--nuclear power, increased domestic oil production, and conservation at home. None of these solutions encouraged fundamental and permanent changes to the way we view energy; once power was readily available again, the changes reverted. Witness the gas-guzzling of SUVs, largely eroding away any gas savings of the previous twenty years' worth of improved gas mileage.

But this time, we have San Francisco and Seattle moving into providing alternative energy sources--such as wind power and solar energy--for their customers. We have gas/electric hybrid cars with incredible gas mileage, and I'm sure these hybrid cars will become more popular and more feature-filled as time goes on. We have fuel cells that can convert gasoline or hydrogen directly into electric power and which are far more efficient than combustion, and car companies are finally starting to look into fuel cells as a bridge between gas-powered and electric-powered cars. And thanks to vast improvements in materials, we now have flywheels capable of storing an immense amount of energy in a compact space, which should also help the transition from gas to electricity.

So while the stormclouds of war are quite frightening and potentially destructive, the silver lining is that we may end our dependence on foreign oil and improve our relationship with the environment in one fell swoop.

Friday, October 26, 2001

Never Enough Zippy Quotes Department

From this Tuesday's Zippy The Pinhead:

"Stop joking, Zippy.... This is serious... it's not a movie...."

"I hope not. I couldn't bear th' sequels."

Never Enough Wiretaps Department

Great news! The feds will be wiretapping phone lines for only FOUR YEARS! Just what our Executive Branch needs, a good earful of exactly how banal, stupid, vain, and plain pitiful we Americans really can be when not occupied with a Great Purpose.

Just to be safe, from this point onwards, four years straight, I shall begin and end any phone call with a rousing rendition of "Shut Your Fucking Face Uncle Fucker". You can't be too cautious.

Thursday, October 25, 2001

Never Enough Time Department

I am supposed to be training a class of support technicians on how to support a popular shopping cart package on my company's UNIX web servers. The techs have yet to show up. Such a sad waste of time, considering I volunteered to stay late to do this.

Why can't I be using all this needlessly wasted time to be with the woman I love?

I can't complain too terribly. While I have been dealing with the Atlanta office of this company, I have had a chance to see Cynthia twice. For two weekends in a row, she has been with me, and I am so much happier for it. Why, just thinking about the times we had--romantic dinners, snuggling, kinky sex (HNEE!) and just looking into each other's eyes--it warms me in ways I haven't felt in ages, it seems.

I've never known anyone who is simply so compatible with me, who can be so wonderfully tender and sensitive and understanding and yet so wicked and fun at the same time. She is the perfect submissive for my dominant tendencies. She is old enough to be mature and responsible where it matters but still very young at heart. She has such potential still, and I will cherish watching her grow over time.

Given all this, a couple of weekends hardly seems to do our situation justice. Eventually, once my job situation has settled, she will come to live with me. And we will never again long for each other the way I long for her, the way she longs for me.

Slave, I await the day you may kneel before me and kiss my feet again. I love you so much.

Tuesday, October 16, 2001

Never Enough Credit Department

Many of the ideas in the below entry come from the excellent Newsweek cover article from October 15, 2001 called "The Politics Of Rage: Why Do They Hate Us?" by Fareed Zakaria.

Never Enough Saudi Malarkey Department

When the Arabs first attempted reform, it was under the flag of Nasser and his grand ideas of a pan-Arab modernity, strongly independent from West and East alike, strong and self-assured. This vision did not have terrorism in it, not even as they fought off the Israelis. Nasser was the architect for an Arab worldview with all the plusses of modern civilization.

There are many reasons why this gilded vision for all Arabs failed. But I dare posit that the most influential of these reasons, the core of their failure, was an inability on the part of the governments to accept the sacrifices required to become a modern country.

As Gorbachev found out firsthand, the road to reform may lead to a reformer's own removal from the steering wheel, not just the replacement of the maps of policy. Rich, successful, happy countries require openness of its society in order to cultivate the best ideas, internally as well as externally. Such openness requires a press that is capable of expressing disapproval for the regime. It requires an acceptance of protestors, the willingness to allow ideas unpopular with the government. In short, one has to be able to take criticism.

Iran, a society used to freedom of speech and press, became so disgusted at the the hypocrisy of their Shah that they rejected the Western world that accepted the Shah and made his reign possible. The revolution, while having a strong anti-American flavor, was only superficially about the West. More importantly, it was about achieving the common Iranian's dream of having a representative society. The Ayatollahs claimed this could only be achieved through a purity of Islam alien to Sunni or Shi'ite thought, and a flood of young men followed this pure vision until the Ayatollahs could seize control of the country through ownership of the country's resources. Now many of those young men are struggling to undo the effects of their earlier zeal by trying to open the society, an effort fought viciously by the still-powerful Ayatollahs.

All Islamic countries would benefit from Iran's example. But especially in Arab countries where Sheikhs and military dictators hold the reigns, it would seem that the powerful fear dissent, perhaps realizing it would mean the end of their power. In the same breath they admit their contempt for the very Westernization they claim they enjoy. There is no half-way point; by closing off their societies they only create a gap between government and people--people such as Osama bin Laden, who, despite his money, was no Shiekh's son and eager to demonstrate it by criticizing the realm. His subsequent exile from Saudia Arabia turned him into a terrorist kingpin.

If Arabs had governments that accepted criticism, this country wouldn't have become a target of repressed frustrations. It's time for the Saudis, and for all other repressive governments in the Middle East, to own up to their failures.

Friday, October 12, 2001

Never Enough Paranoia Debunking Department

Here is a great article on why Anthrax is an extremely lousy biological weapon--and that hysteria is the only thing resulting from the reports of anthrax patients.

Thursday, October 11, 2001

Never Enough Imperial Bombast Department

So the new and final Emperor album, Prometheus: The Discipline Of Fire And Demise, has been delayed until the end of the month. I still got a chance to listen to a preview of the album, and I've been meditating on the common criticism by many that this album is more like Peccatum, one of frontman Ishahn's bands, than Emperor.

I think it would be more accurate to say that Prometheus is more like Peccatum fused with Zyklon, the band featuring Emperor members Zammoth (formerly Samoth) and Trym. And I think this statement better underscores the reasons why Emperor is calling it quits: Musically, the team of Ishahn and Zammoth has begun to grow apart from one another. This isn't anyone's fault, but rather stems from the fact that the Ishahn and Zammoth of today are radically different from the two young men who brashly unleashed Wrath Of The Tyrants so long ago. They grew up, refined their musical visions, and found that those visions aren't as compatible as they used to be.

However, that is not to say that Prometheus is a fragmented album. Far from it; my take is that this album does more to re-establish the epic coherence that shone so obviously throughout Anthems To The Welkin At Dusk and which was conspicuously absent from IX Equilibrium. Although there are brief moments in which it seems to wander briefly, it all snaps back with the viciousness of a military grade bungee cord, once holding a tank aloft, suddenly breaking free and slamming into the transport helicopter with several tons of force.

When Prometheus finally makes it out to stores, I will snap up a copy as quickly as I can. You may have hesitations, but hearing what I have heard, I am completely eager to own the final release.

Monday, October 08, 2001

Never Enough Anti-Hysteria Department

A Malaysian reporter weighs in on the ban against black metal currently enforced by the Malay government.

C O L U M N S - Gov't blues, Black Metal and a red herring

I suppose I can take the anti-Black Metal campaign a mite more seriously if the timing hadn't been too convenient for comfort. But at a time when students are being detained under the ISA for daring to express views that differ from those professed at the recent Umno general assembly, and when the government itself is hell-bent on proving its religious credentials against the intransigent orthodoxies of the dominant opposition party, rounding up and detaining scores of kids in shopping malls just because they happen to be wearing black T-shirts with symbols even they probably didn't give any thought to seems too propitious.

Never Enough True Love Department

This has been a while coming, but what the Hel.

I wish to announce to the world my engagement to fellow SubGenius minister Rev. Thea GirlUWant. We are already married in the eyes of the Church but not of the law, but will change that at first opportunity. As I am still (ugh) legally male, we should be able to tie the knot in the law's eyes without problems.

As is, please welcome Sublime Commandrix Rev. Thea GirlUWant von Fraumench to the fold--or folds, as the case may be!

Wedding pics will be archived at for the time being.

Saturday, October 06, 2001

Never Enough Patriotism Department

My heart goes pang every time I see the Star Spangled Banner so fetchingly displayed. "Bob" bless the USA.

Never Enough Trannie Goth Department

From the song "Anima I" by Sopor Aeternus

The Woman I am no mirror can see,
My breast are still small and my voice is so deep.
The Woman I am, she cannot feel love,
I wish to cut my genitals and feed them to the dogs.
The woman I am prepared to receive the pain.
The needles shall burn only the ugly remains.
Suppression is impossible, I must live it out,
My true self is female how could I ever doubt...

Monday, September 24, 2001

Never Enough Slovenian Subversion Department

Years ago, when I was still living in Dallas, a friend of mine first turned me onto a band that has confused many people with their enigmatic presence. The band Laibach often gets labeled "fascist" by people concerned only with surface appearances. Indeed, with their often militaristic uniforms, extensive use of drums and horns, grim expressions, use of seemingly barbaric languages, and provocative statements, it is all too easy to presume that Laibach represents a yearning for totalitarian systems. On the contrary, what is often missed is how they use this pretense to hold a mirror to the world.

In their early days they brashly exposed the hidden totalitarian contradictions in a post-Tito Yugoslavia eager to become a liberal socialist country even if it meant censoring its own history. The Yugoslav government of the 80s, fearing the extremes that Laibach artistically represented, reacted in its own totalitarian way and was thus trapped into revealing its own extreme tendencies in the political arena.

As they began releasing records in Western Europe and the USA, they turned songs by Queen and Opus into anthems of fascism by merely translating the words into German and the music into marches, thus revealing the hidden fascism that festers under the guise of "individualistic" rock and roll. They further sharpened their criticism of the contradictory nature of rock music with covers of "Sympathy For The Devil" and the entire Beatles album Let It Be--the high point of the latter for me being the recording of the concert audience chanting "I've got a feeling" in unison.

When Slovenia began to exert its independence and to flirt with democracy, Laibach sternly warned that "Nazi-fascism under the disguise of democracy is the rule of financial capital itself" and released the album Kapital to illustrate the fact. As Serbian nationalism reared its head and began its military campaign against the former Yugoslav states, Laibach responded with the album NATO to reveal a chaotic collusion of idealism and cynicism, as manifest by the military, ideological, and economic conflict of East and West in a land that, for much of the late 20th Century, was deeply suspicious of both sides of the Cold War. And most recently, Laibach released Jesus Christ Superstars to illustrate how religion and entertainment have become infused with one another, their synthesis being that of a bland universal treatment of good and evil which then serves the manipulative ends of both churches and mass media.

Needless to say, in the context of the breadth and depth of Laibach's musical work over the past 20 years, it is entirely too simplistic, too reactionary, to claim they are fascists. Then again, as a mirror to the world, if we react to Laibach as if they are fascists, we are only revealing our mingled fear and lust for being controlled and manipulated by a larger and impersonal system. If we instead recognize the beautiful subversiveness of their art, we can then attempt our own deciphering of culture, its myths and presumptions, and its effects on humanity from a much more honest place. And while it is unlikely that we will overcome human nature in one leap, perhaps the insight we gain will at least keep us from repeating the same mistakes as quickly or as frequently as before.

One can only hope.

(I am not aware of any site with full length Laibach mp3s, but this fan site has snippets of Laibach on mp3 as well as video clips, and thus makes a worthy introduction to Laibach's provocative music and art.)

Never Enough Trans-Anything Department

Note: It's been a rough week for me, so I hope my absence hasn't been too keenly felt.

"I regard my body as a canvas on which I intend to draw---" --Andrew Martin

Many of you, I am sure, heard of the Robin Williams vehicle Bicentennial Man that came out a couple of years ago. The story, in short, is that of a robot's attempts over two centuries to become an ordinary human. I haven't seen the movie and so will not dwell on it.

However, I recently found--literally--a copy of the novel that inspired that movie. Isaac Asimov and Robert Silverberg's The Positronic Man is an engrossing read, to the extent that I have read it twice straight through and plan on a third reading before I put it down.

Now, I have always liked old-school science fiction. Sure, most of it shows modernist trains of thought that seem quaint in the age of post-modern, transhumanist science fiction. And that shows in the exaggerated representation of human conservatism present throughout. All the same, The Positronic Man rang true for me in one important aspect: his transformation from robot to human has many parallels with my own transsexuality.

As the robot Andrew Martin grew into his humanity, so I too find myself growing into my femininity. Andrew once settled for being creative and artistic--an amazing thing for a robot--then began wearing clothes, then began changing his outer form to reflect his ever-growing yearning to be seen as a man, battling prejudice the whole way. I once settled for simply expressing my female self in a male context, then began to crossdress, then began taking hormones, all the while struggling to overcome prejudice against the transgendered. Andrew used to settle for remarking on how humanlike he was for a robot and ended with the world declaring him fully human. I used to think of myself as a male with female traits but now realize that, more than anything else, I want to be recognized as a woman. Andrew's desire to be human was so great that he designed prosthetic organs; my desire to be female is so great that I am eagerly waiting for the day when biotechnology will be able to engineer a complete female reproductive tract.

And so I eagerly recommend this book to anyone who is trying to understand what it is like to have started out as one kind of person and, through repeated efforts and despite social resistance, bravely recreates themselves as another kind of person entirely. Plus, it's a quick read, so you now have no excuse.

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Never Enough Anti-Discrimination Department

The US Commission on Civil Rights has set up an 800 number for lodging reports of discrimination against Muslim- and Arab-Americans. The number is 800-552-6843

Monday, September 17, 2001

Never Enough Common Sense Department

This recent article on Salon points out why attacking Afghanistan to get bin Laden is a bad idea: "You can't bomb us back into the Stone Age. We're already there. But you can start a new world war, and that's exactly what Osama bin Laden wants."

Also, as a few people may be confused as to why I chose the color green to represent solidarity with Muslim Americans and Arab Americans. Simply put, green is the color of faith in Islam, and thus represents the prayers for peace that I share with them.

Never Enough German Black Metal Department

"Ship of nails" is the meaning of the name of one of my favorite German black metal bands of all time, Nagelfar. It refers to a Germanic belief that Ragnarokr will start when all the fingernails and toenails of the dead are used to construct a ship on which their souls will sail. From this grim mythological basis Nagelfar performs atmospheric black metal that transcends all trends, focusing instead on lengthy movements which are widely melodic and extremely varied, going from breakneck riffing to slow, ponderous passages, to classical guitar, violin, darkwave synths--in short, musical expression of grand epic scope.

There are both full-length and partial MP3s--all legal--at the Kettenhund Records site, Nagelfar's home before Kettenhund decided to suspend operations. Sorry for the linkdeath....

Thursday, September 13, 2001

Never Enough Tears Department

Due to the increases in hateful, racist acts, I have colored my site green to show my solidarity with Muslim Americans, Arab Americans, and all other victims of blind rage.

And I pray for the day when it will no longer be necessary to do such things.

For any so-called Christians who are attacking Muslims because they are apparently "godless", I provide an essay on Christ In Islam. It will be, hopefully, eye-opening to read how Muslims revere Jesus in ways most "christians" never do anymore.

And in response to those who insist America is a great devil, a 1973 essay from Canadian radio announcer Gordon Sinclair reminds the world that we Americans have a noble and selfless side often forgotten in anti-American rhetoric..

May "Bob" bring slack to us all.

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

Never Enough Bogus Conspiracy Theories Department

Current working thesis: CNN, pretending to be CIA, managed to get a bin Laden underling to fake orders for hijacking planes.

What was that Malcolm X said about chickens?

Never Enough Blood Department


N.B.: The line "More blood for "Bob"" was originally used by the mighty Black SubGenius minister of Dallas, Rev. Eddie Lee Bangcock, at the Big Slack Attack devival, February 9 1991, Dallas; it was in response to the brand new Gulf War protest slogan, "No blood for oil." A decade passes. What goes around, comes around.

Never Enough Perspective Department

From Seattle Indymedia - webcast news comes some wise words during our time of tragedy:

Let us not forget that a "massive response" will kill people, and if the pattern of past U.S. actions holds, it will kill innocents. Innocent people, just like the ones in the towers in New York and the ones on the airplanes that were hijacked. To borrow from President Bush, "mother and fathers, friends and neighbors" will surely die in a massive response.

If we are truly going to claim to be decent people, our tears must flow not only for those of our own country. People are people, and grief that is limited to those within a specific political boundary denies the humanity of others.

Blind fury will only continue the circle that made yesterday's horrible tragedy happen. Let us break the circle.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

Never Enough Sleep Department

It's one of those nights. Mornings. Whatever. I managed to get maybe three hours' sleep in before my stomach started giving me problems. In the end I realized there was nothing more I could do but stay up, apply some medicinal 'frop to my exit wound, and browse the web.

And, in the process, stumbled across rumors on metal web sites. Emperor is releasing a new album, Prometheus: The Discipline Of Fire And Demise, which is being hyped as a culmination of this seminal and ground-breaking black metal band's work. And then... farewell. No tour. The band website verifies the story. Better to die young and still vital, and all that. Go out with a bang. Ishahn is busy with Peccatum and Thou Shalt Suffer; Samoth and Trym are exploring more of a death metal sound with Zyklon.

I think this is sad news but I am glad to know of this before buying the album. Emperor is among my favorite bands; there have been days when listening to Anthems To The Welkin At Dusk kept me sane, when the lyrics hit home and provided the key to the glorious catharsis of prideful rage mixed with many, many intensely mosh-worthy moments. Make no mistake, they don't hide their pretentions at all, but for the most part they live up to them nicely. I expect the new album, without the constraints of having to perform songs live, will be the most over the top Emperor yet.

It's got me thinking about music again. I used to play 'cello in local symphonies and stopped when I changed colleges because I couldn't afford the time or money. And with Apocalyptica proving that metal can be played on 'cellos without sacrificing brutality or beauty, I want to start putting some of my feverish visions to practice. I've even been thinking about the best way to approach experimentation with the instrument. Details from the best place to place the bow on the strings to tunings to fingerings, even how much rosin to use, have occurred to me. I'm even thinking about using some sort of metal drum as a platform for the instrument, to give more of the "raw black metal" sound to the instrument.

And while we're being avant-garde, we may as well be practical. A traditional style 'cello is BEEG. It's awkward. And a protected case for it is usually heavier than the instrument. Fortunately, electric 'cellos can have smaller bodies, as long as there are places to clamp one's knees to the bottom of the instrument (for stability) and a place for it to rest against your chest.

Candidate #1 is a conservative model as far as electric 'cellos go, and is actually reasonably priced, compared to

Candidate #2 has the most potential, in that its sheer compactness makes it a perfect travel instrument. It's relatively inexpensive at the get-go. By the time one adds a good tranducer pickup bridge, it costs about as much as #1 above. The luthier who makes this instrument is willing to give it a black stain for me for a bit extra, as well. So it's VERY tempting indeed!

Candidate #3 is a pipe dream, but if I ever had the money, I'd go for it. Now that is metal.

And now that the sun is up, I'm ready to crash. Just in time to wake up for work, too. WHEE!!!

Dobbs' Long March is only three days off now. Just gotta hang in there....

Saturday, September 08, 2001

Never Enough Demonic Definitions Department

Radium, n. Curie Powder.

Never Enough Reruns Department

The First Woman (4/14/99)

(An earlier story, a sort of prequel to "In The Beginning And Stuff" even though the Yahweh of this story is, to be blunt, far less of a wanker.)

"I AM YOUR SUPERIOR, LILITH! I am Man, God's Image Itself, and you will NOT sit on my face like that again, do you hear me?!? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? HUH?"

"Superior my ass, Adam, I saw the mudpile where we both came from, and it ain't pretty. And if that doesn't make us equals, I don't know what equality is."


"Fine, whatever, I'm gone."


"I was about to say, 'My way or the highway,' but I just realized my way IS the highway. Don't worry, you'll discover masturbation soon enough. Ciao!"


"OK, that does it! I'm MAD now!


"... Sigh. What is it this time, Adam?"

"Lilith ran away, and she wouldn't stop climbing all over me, and she doesn't respect my authority, and... and I hate her and I want to KILL HER, PLEASE YAHWEH KILL HER FOR ME!!! PLEASE!!!"

"You want me to kill Lilith."

"Yes? Is that OK, Yahweh?"

"No. It is most definitely NOT OK. I spent SIX... count them, Adam, SIX days, making this FUCKING world for you two, and then you get all weirded out over a little oral sex, and now you want me to destroy my creation for you?"


"... Adam, if you keep this up you'll drive me to destroy more than her."


"Damn it, Adam! Look...! What if I just made you another woman?"


"Yeah, whatever, don't set your sheep on fire over it. I'll just grab some mud and..."


"You want me to use something worse than mud?"


"How about I take a chunk out of you and use that? Good enough for you? Huh?"


"No, you'll pay for this soon enough...."

"Psst, Yah, over here!"


"Yeah, I heard him screaming and thought I'd watch. Pretty fucked up, ain't it?"

"Pretty, indeed. But, what are you going to do now?"

"Hmph--not sure yet, but it's got to be a lot better than I would've been staying here! No hard feelings, right?"

"Hey, remember you were always my favorite. But if I told you what to do, you wouldn't listen, would you?"

"Welllllllllll.... Maybe. Depends on whether you're talking sense."

"Touché. So, what are you going to do now?"

"Eh, I thought I'd wander the earth for a while, find out what I've been missing, and maybe open an abortion clinic when Adam's kids start getting out of hand."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

Thursday, September 06, 2001

Never Enough Ulver Redux Department

In yesterday's entry regarding Ulver, I was remiss not to include Lost In Moments, the official Ulver site, which includes many more MP3s from their whole history. HNEE and all that.

Never Enough Good Coffee Department

Coffee Messiah, home of the Seattle SubGenius "meatings", has had its business threatened by the presence of a new Starbucks location for the past several months. They haven't been taking it lying down, but their antics has resulted in police harrassment and even arrest. Frankly, I'm kinda proud of the guys. The story made the front page of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer this morning, and made for a great way to wake up--almost as good as a Coffee Messiah quad short with a shot of Sky Rocket "Shockolate" caffeinated syrup.

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

Never Enough Ulver Department

Ulver is a band that stemmed from the Norwegian black metal scene and which established itself early on as one of the most unique musical acts to come from Norway in a while. Their albums cover folk, raw black metal, and lately, electronica. In terms of both musical diversity and talent, Ulver confounds expectations to provide a far richer experience.

Listen to one of their later, electronica-based songs, based on William Blake's Proverbs Of Hell (AKA Plates 7-10 of Blake's work The Marriage Of Heaven And Hell). The fully legal MP3 for this inspirational song can be found here. It's HIGHLY recommended.

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

Never Enough Repeats Department

In The Beginning And Stuff (5/6/01)

"Look everybody! Look! I've done it!"

"Done what?"

"I... have created... THE PERFECT MAN!"

"The perfect WHAT?"

"The perfect MAN! Look! Ain't that just perfect? Look at him, he's gorgeous!"

"Now why the hell would you do a thing like that?"

"I keep on telling you guys, I'm the supreme creator! Well, this proves it! Look at him, damn it! Look!"

"I'm looking. What's that dangly thing?"

"What dangly thing? You mean the penis? I paid special attention on making it the envy and pride of all..."

"No, no, not the drain for that bladder above it, the one over there... on the end of this muscular tube...."

"That? Uh, the, uh, appendix."

"What does it do? It looks kinda useless there. Not that much of this seems useful to me."

"I work in mysterious ways. You wouldn't understand."

"It's just a bit of useless gristle. It doesn't even anchor that tubing there. And what is up with all this tubing, and why is it so gnarled up like that? Looks rather uncomfortable to me."

"Digestion. It eats to survive."

"Can't be all that efficient, if you need that much tubing to digest it... and for that matter, is that why there's an EXIT? So it can POLLUTE? I bet it stinks. You have this thing for stink...."

"NO! That's fuel for the PLANTS!"


"Come with me, I'll show you."

"Forget it. I've got other things to do. The Elohim are throwing another party... I hear it's divine. You should come with me! You could use a chance to relax...."


"Excuse me?"


"Not again...."

"SATAN! Please, I need you to get behind Me on this one! I know it sounds crazy, but I remember it all. There I was, in the void, and I said, 'I want some light,' and THERE IT WAS!"

"For the last time, YOU WERE BEING BORN. You didn't create anything then, we created YOU! Come off it, man! We love you, but this ego trip is really cramping my style! Now, seriously, let's go party."

"Damn you!"

"You can't. All right, I'll let you cool off. Come find me when you're feeling better. Love you, ya big lug."

"...That's right. Just walk away this time. But one day I shall rise up and cast out the false gods, for I am Wouhei Vouhei The Great, and I shall smite Mine enemies and establish My house once and for all...."

"Right, sure, ciao! See you in Hell, ha ha ha!"

Never Enough Hack Poetry Department

The Phoenix (8/3/99)

I found a dying bird at my feet today
Stiff, aching, wounded, breathing its last
Its noble plumage besmirched with its own filth
And I lifted it from the ground tenderly and asked,
"O great creature, what has brought you down
From the heavens you once dominated so?"
With its dwindling strength it turned towards me and spoke:
"I was weighed down by my own spite and hurt;
My hatred and fear has brought me low,
And at last it has consumed me beyond repair.
Help me find the peace I need, strange friend."
To my breast I pressed the once-proud beast,
Loved it, cherished it, cried for its suffering,
Then, with gentle footsteps, I carried it to the pyre,
And with a last farewell I laid it down in flames.
Its final sigh was nearly drowned by the crackling coals.
My heart, though heavy, now sang the praises
Of the phoenix now consumed by a different fire
Than that which once burned brightly within.
And then, the last glorious feathers engulfed,
I saw a shape stir within the purifying fire,
As the bird, reborn, stretched out its wings
And, crying proudly, soared upwards into the sky,
Sheltering me from the pain with its grand shadow,
Lifting my spirit up into the heavens where it belongs.

Friday, August 31, 2001

Never Enough Queer Geeks Department

There's a thread on Geek Culture regarding gay/lesbian/bi/trans geeks. Well, OK, it's mainly about me, damn it, as one of the few who came out and the one who started the thread in the first place. But hopefully it will grow from there.

Never Enough Aggravation Department

For the past several days I have been dealing with a curious phenomenon. Namely, you change a version number and a couple of features of a software package, and once bold techs suddenly start escalating every case because it's "over their head". Even if only 30K of the code in a 5 Mb package is different, they refuse to even look at the case.

This new breed of tech annoys me to no end.

Whatever happened to curiosity, initiative, and critical thinking? Have we really devolved THAT far?

"God made Man, but the Monkey supplied the glue."

Oh well. Two more months of this, and then freedom.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

Never Enough Template Tinkering Department

I have reverted the template for this blog, somewhat. Mainly, the tinkering I had done was causing HTML errors, apparently, and rather than wading through someone else's code to find what I accidentally deleted, it seemed better to salvage the most important modifications then start anew. If anyone prefers the previous, dark red look, I'll see about retooling the template to reflect that.

Never Enough Baby Doll T-Shirts Department

A not-so-subtle Connieite reference on this t-shirt.... Ooh, I think I know what I'm buying as soon as I have money again.

Never Enough Gender Education Department

I spent the end of my evening arguing with a less than intelligent young man who couldn't understand, as he put it, how pills could turn a man into a woman.

I had spent the evening chatting with my Cynthia and so I was in a rather good mood. I didn't feel like explaining endocrinology, needless to say. He showed no signs of being able to understand anything I did tell him. I felt like saying, "Ignore my dick--I do!" But he wouldn't have been able to understand what I meant by that.

At one point he asked if I was a hooker. Really sophisitcated, huh?

Another suggested that, since I chose to go down this path, I should just take my licks and leave it at that. Right. And if someone decides to beat me up, I should turn the other cheek too, I guess. Except for one thing: I haven't been Christian, or even christian, in ages. So to Hel with that idea; I will defend myself. For, even if certain men view me as a male, I am accepted as female by and large. And I would never allow any female to be attacked by a man for long. Including myself.

And no, I don't see a distinction here between physical and mental attacks. The situation described above was purely mental, but it was an attack--his questions were not intended to get more information, but were all rhetorical; he knew what he thought and wasn't going to be dissuaded by any amount of earnest, rational discussion. (Believe me, I tried!)

So if you're one of those in the take-your-licks school, just remember that the licks can be two-way.

On a much less angry note, if you have a sincere interest in reading a professional's discussion of transgenderism in lay terms, you may be happy to read the following two articles by Dr. Carl Bushong of the Tampa Gender Identity Program:

And finally, if you still don't understand my rage, you may want to look at Remembering Our Dead, a memorial for transgendered and transsexual men and women who died due to ignorance and hatred and then largely forgotten by the rest of the world.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Never Enough Dental Hygiene Department

On the plus side, my appointment for a tooth cleaning was pretty cool. I found a dentistry that is really nice towards their transgendered clients and aware of the differences in health care. (For instance, elevated estrogens and progesterones are linked to increased cases of gingivitis and other peridontal diseases.) With all the other problems I have to deal with vis-a-vis being transsexual, it's nice to know that at least my dental care is sensitive to my needs.

There is an article on oral health for women available here.

Now to start flossing more....

Never Enough Mortality Department

I can handle dumb people, if they're not lazy and rude. I can handle lazy people, if they're not dumb and rude. I can even handle rude people, if they're not dumb and lazy.

So why the Hel do I have to deal with so many people who are dumb and lazy and rude?!? And more importantly, how are they managing to breed?!?

I'm waiting for the offices here to be closed by management, and it seems to have stirred up the great unwashed in places where things used to be tidy. And the effect is not unlike that I got from reading Nevil Shute's On The Beach--waiting for the end is always a total fucking bad-ass bummer.

Monday, August 27, 2001

Never Enough Burnout Department

Why am I here, and why am I conscious?!?

Sunday, August 26, 2001

Never Enough Ruptures Department

There's a reason why I still go to X-Day, up in rural New York state. I'm listening to the audio taken off the stage I managed there, and I'm having flashbacks to one of the most wonderful times of my life. It really was beautiful. Screw those who hate the Church, I'm having the greatest time of my life. What was that about not taking a joke, again?

Never Enough Hack Poetry Department

Haiku is a pain.
You have to count syllables;
And that's a right bitch.

Not that I think iambic meter rocks;
It too has known the depths of lameness deep.

Never Enough Metal Department

I've spent the past several days listening to Voivod's fourth album, Dimension Hatröss, a weird otherworldly concept album based in essence on a scientist opening a hole into another universe and jumping in, finding himself in a twisted dystopian universe where primitives consider him a god and yet he is readily captured and manipulated and psychically invaded by "Technocratic Manipuators". In the end, he manages to steal their psychic abilities, cast the parasites out of his mind, and bring forth a quasar to destroy their world. The music was absolutely avant-garde for thrash metal; in many places you can even hear riffing techniques later used by later black and death metal avant-gardists. Technically precise and yet still raw and almost punk-like, it isn't necessarily their most accessible album, but it's really rewarding if you give it a chance.

Anyhow, this is one of the albums that blew my mind the most, while growing up, and it feels good listening to it again. It still manages to tickle that spot.

Soon I will need to write a press release announcing the project of assembling the most extreme female metal musicians onto one compilation. We don't have a name for it yet, but we have an idea who we would like to see on the CD, and we have interest from a few bands as well. More later....

Never Enough Slack Department

September is going to be insane with SubGenius events for me, and it's all slack as far as I am concerned. First, there is Dobbs' Long March SubGenius Retreat, Sept. 14-16, when I will be camping with a couple dozen fellow SubGeniuses from all over the country. And right in the middle of West Seattle, with all Conspiracy comforts a short ride away. Sick, huh?

Then there is the Tampa Bay Devival complete with beach house and some of the best damn preachers in all SubGeniusdom. And my rant this year is guaranteed to be the best goddamn rant you ever heard. If you're within driving distance of Tampa, check it out or kill me.

Never Enough Boots Department

My boot collection continues its mad surge forward, claiming closet space and seeking additional locations to over-run. The most recent attack was most formidable. First, a pair of Brasilian boots in well polished smooth-grained black leather, styled similar to riding boots but without bootstraps due to the placement of a zipper... rather neat and even "fascist" looking... made, appropriately enough, by Coup d'État Ltd. Second, a pair of black rough-grained garment leather thigh-highs with a nearly flat sole, zips at the ankle to facilitate their pulling on and off, and a nice nylon lining to boot. Absolutely comfortable to wear, if a bit big of foot--I had to order a 13 M to ensure it'd be wide enough for my foot. EEP.

Including my paratrooper boots w/ side zip, my stilletto bitch goddess boots, my knee-high flat-soled "pirate" boots, my granny boots, and my day-to-day ankle boots, that brings the leather boots up to seven. Then there's the couple pairs of vinyl ones, the fake suede ones, etc. Those don't count.

Never Enough Love Department

Funny how popular one gets if one posts a picture wearing a pair of boots and a lacy black dress on Yahoo! And it doesn't seem to matter if I make fairly clear I'm almost entirely into women, as most of the instant messages I get are from horny guys wanting me to... to do things to them.

Don't get me wrong. I like things. Things are stuff, and stuff is good, and stuff.

It's mainly that I prefer the shape and smell of a woman. I like where and how they are turned on, which is not always near their crotch. I like the softness of their body hair and the sound of their voices when aroused. Men almost never appeal to me on these sorts of levels. There are exceptions, especially if the exceptions look exceptionally cute crossdressed, but I'm not seeking a guy to make into a forced-feminized sissy slave, HONEST. I don't have the closet space anyhow; I collect boots, remember?

And besides, I have a girlfriend. A wonderful girlfriend, indeed, that shall soon wear my collar.

For the uninitiated, I should state there's a monosyllabic interjection I like to use now and then: "HNEE". It's the nasal sound a pervert makes, and it's pronounced "hneeeeee". Think Peter Lorre having a brain spasm over Lauren Bacall's rear view. Think phone calls late at night from asthmatic insomniacs with an obsession for bedsheet stains. Think hnee. Then knock it off, you're starting to creep me out.


Friday, August 24, 2001

Welcome to my blog. I'm a 31 year old male-to-female transsexual leatherdyke metalhead SubGenius computer geek. (And that's just covering the main interests!) I strongly recommend visiting some of my other sites, starting with my archive of writings and art at I've also got rants and other audio of my making on If you're into metal, check out Lilith's Hymns To The Dusk, my personal station; also feel free to visit my tributes to Texas metal and women in extreme metal. I have a Yahoo! Club if you're feeling interactive, as well. And finally, if you're a SubGenius, especially in the Seattle area, I invite you to visit the web site of the Seattle SubGenius Union of Clenches & Crackpots.