Saturday, September 08, 2001

Never Enough Reruns Department

The First Woman (4/14/99)

(An earlier story, a sort of prequel to "In The Beginning And Stuff" even though the Yahweh of this story is, to be blunt, far less of a wanker.)

"I AM YOUR SUPERIOR, LILITH! I am Man, God's Image Itself, and you will NOT sit on my face like that again, do you hear me?!? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? HUH?"

"Superior my ass, Adam, I saw the mudpile where we both came from, and it ain't pretty. And if that doesn't make us equals, I don't know what equality is."

"NO! YOU DON'T KNOW EQUALITY! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!!!"

"Fine, whatever, I'm gone."

"...What?"

"I was about to say, 'My way or the highway,' but I just realized my way IS the highway. Don't worry, you'll discover masturbation soon enough. Ciao!"

"COME BACK! LILITH!!!

"OK, that does it! I'm MAD now!

"YAHWEH!!! YAHHHHHHHHWEHHHHHHHHH! WEH HEH HEH HEH!

"... Sigh. What is it this time, Adam?"

"Lilith ran away, and she wouldn't stop climbing all over me, and she doesn't respect my authority, and... and I hate her and I want to KILL HER, PLEASE YAHWEH KILL HER FOR ME!!! PLEASE!!!"

"You want me to kill Lilith."

"Yes? Is that OK, Yahweh?"

"No. It is most definitely NOT OK. I spent SIX... count them, Adam, SIX days, making this FUCKING world for you two, and then you get all weirded out over a little oral sex, and now you want me to destroy my creation for you?"

"Yes?"

"... Adam, if you keep this up you'll drive me to destroy more than her."

"OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I'LL WORSHIP YOU ALWAYS!"

"Damn it, Adam! Look...! What if I just made you another woman?"

"OH THANK YOU, LORD, THANK YOU!"

"Yeah, whatever, don't set your sheep on fire over it. I'll just grab some mud and..."

"NO!!! PLEASE, LORD, NOT MUD! I GOTTA BE BETTER THAN SHE IS!"

"You want me to use something worse than mud?"

"PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!?"

"How about I take a chunk out of you and use that? Good enough for you? Huh?"

"YES YES YES! 'YOU ARE OF MY RIB! I AM SUPERIOR!' I LOVE IT! I LOVE YOU!!! CAN I GIVE YOU ANYTHING, LORD?"

"No, you'll pay for this soon enough...."

"Psst, Yah, over here!"

"Lilith?"

"Yeah, I heard him screaming and thought I'd watch. Pretty fucked up, ain't it?"

"Pretty, indeed. But, what are you going to do now?"

"Hmph--not sure yet, but it's got to be a lot better than I would've been staying here! No hard feelings, right?"

"Hey, remember you were always my favorite. But if I told you what to do, you wouldn't listen, would you?"

"Welllllllllll.... Maybe. Depends on whether you're talking sense."

"Touché. So, what are you going to do now?"

"Eh, I thought I'd wander the earth for a while, find out what I've been missing, and maybe open an abortion clinic when Adam's kids start getting out of hand."

"Sounds like a plan to me."


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