Friday, July 08, 2005

Never Enough Patient Explanations of SubGenius Dogma Department

Many of those who stumble across the Church wind up saying, "Oh, it's funny, I guess, but why do they have to sell memberships? In fact, why do they sell so much useless crap anyway?!?" In their careless blasphemy against our holiest relics they miss a fundamental theological point: our prophet and object of idolization was, is, and will always be the Greatest Salesman Ever. It is our sacred duty to sell, and sell we shall. It brings us closer to "Bob" to hawk items that few would buy, seeing if we can develop the power to sell the unsellable.

(The Dogon, a West African tribe better known for their tales of amphibious intelligences from Sirius-B, is also said to have witnessed a slick-haired, pale-skinned man that belched smoke from a reed held in his teeth, who successfully traded a mound of elephant dung to a swarm of tse-tse flies in exhange for all their maggots. When asked by the Dogon why he would do such an incredible act, he reportedly said he had a wager to win, refusing to say any more, but winking and nudging for hours thereafter.)

One day, J. R. "Bob" Dobbs will eventually sell nothing to something, and everything to everything else, achieving universal symmetry in the Beforelife and beyond, and achieving the eternal Oozquirt we all crave so powerfully. And we Superior Mutants are dedicated to being there. In the meantime, like a cargo cult building model planes from crates to honor the flying gods that drop gifts from the heavens, we too must sell in order to bring Dobbs' sales-driven slack into our lives.

Alas, we suck at selling. Oh, we're doing better than expected by the average Normal, but ultimately we're still not exactly taking over the Conspiracy as fast as we hope. YOU HUMANS SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. At least we know and understand Slack, in some measure--and all we truly want is for a world of slack for all. All those who at least sent in a dollar, anyhow. [Updated 7/20/05]

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