Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Never Enough New Devil's Dictionary Entries Department
-ism, suffix, used to connotate intellectualized neurosis.
Saturday, September 08, 2001
Never Enough Reruns Department
The First Woman (4/14/99)
(An earlier story, a sort of prequel to "In The Beginning And Stuff" even though the Yahweh of this story is, to be blunt, far less of a wanker.)
"I AM YOUR SUPERIOR, LILITH! I am Man, God's Image Itself, and you will NOT sit on my face like that again, do you hear me?!? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? HUH?"
"Superior my ass, Adam, I saw the mudpile where we both came from, and it ain't pretty. And if that doesn't make us equals, I don't know what equality is."
"NO! YOU DON'T KNOW EQUALITY! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!!!"
"Fine, whatever, I'm gone."
"...What?"
"I was about to say, 'My way or the highway,' but I just realized my way IS the highway. Don't worry, you'll discover masturbation soon enough. Ciao!"
"COME BACK! LILITH!!!
"OK, that does it! I'm MAD now!
"YAHWEH!!! YAHHHHHHHHWEHHHHHHHHH! WEH HEH HEH HEH!
"... Sigh. What is it this time, Adam?"
"Lilith ran away, and she wouldn't stop climbing all over me, and she doesn't respect my authority, and... and I hate her and I want to KILL HER, PLEASE YAHWEH KILL HER FOR ME!!! PLEASE!!!"
"You want me to kill Lilith."
"Yes? Is that OK, Yahweh?"
"No. It is most definitely NOT OK. I spent SIX... count them, Adam, SIX days, making this FUCKING world for you two, and then you get all weirded out over a little oral sex, and now you want me to destroy my creation for you?"
"Yes?"
"... Adam, if you keep this up you'll drive me to destroy more than her."
"OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I'LL WORSHIP YOU ALWAYS!"
"Damn it, Adam! Look...! What if I just made you another woman?"
"OH THANK YOU, LORD, THANK YOU!"
"Yeah, whatever, don't set your sheep on fire over it. I'll just grab some mud and..."
"NO!!! PLEASE, LORD, NOT MUD! I GOTTA BE BETTER THAN SHE IS!"
"You want me to use something worse than mud?"
"PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!?"
"How about I take a chunk out of you and use that? Good enough for you? Huh?"
"YES YES YES! 'YOU ARE OF MY RIB! I AM SUPERIOR!' I LOVE IT! I LOVE YOU!!! CAN I GIVE YOU ANYTHING, LORD?"
"No, you'll pay for this soon enough...."
"Psst, Yah, over here!"
"Lilith?"
"Yeah, I heard him screaming and thought I'd watch. Pretty fucked up, ain't it?"
"Pretty, indeed. But, what are you going to do now?"
"Hmph--not sure yet, but it's got to be a lot better than I would've been staying here! No hard feelings, right?"
"Hey, remember you were always my favorite. But if I told you what to do, you wouldn't listen, would you?"
"Welllllllllll.... Maybe. Depends on whether you're talking sense."
"Touché. So, what are you going to do now?"
"Eh, I thought I'd wander the earth for a while, find out what I've been missing, and maybe open an abortion clinic when Adam's kids start getting out of hand."
"Sounds like a plan to me."
(An earlier story, a sort of prequel to "In The Beginning And Stuff" even though the Yahweh of this story is, to be blunt, far less of a wanker.)
"I AM YOUR SUPERIOR, LILITH! I am Man, God's Image Itself, and you will NOT sit on my face like that again, do you hear me?!? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? HUH?"
"Superior my ass, Adam, I saw the mudpile where we both came from, and it ain't pretty. And if that doesn't make us equals, I don't know what equality is."
"NO! YOU DON'T KNOW EQUALITY! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!!!"
"Fine, whatever, I'm gone."
"...What?"
"I was about to say, 'My way or the highway,' but I just realized my way IS the highway. Don't worry, you'll discover masturbation soon enough. Ciao!"
"COME BACK! LILITH!!!
"OK, that does it! I'm MAD now!
"YAHWEH!!! YAHHHHHHHHWEHHHHHHHHH! WEH HEH HEH HEH!
"... Sigh. What is it this time, Adam?"
"Lilith ran away, and she wouldn't stop climbing all over me, and she doesn't respect my authority, and... and I hate her and I want to KILL HER, PLEASE YAHWEH KILL HER FOR ME!!! PLEASE!!!"
"You want me to kill Lilith."
"Yes? Is that OK, Yahweh?"
"No. It is most definitely NOT OK. I spent SIX... count them, Adam, SIX days, making this FUCKING world for you two, and then you get all weirded out over a little oral sex, and now you want me to destroy my creation for you?"
"Yes?"
"... Adam, if you keep this up you'll drive me to destroy more than her."
"OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I'LL WORSHIP YOU ALWAYS!"
"Damn it, Adam! Look...! What if I just made you another woman?"
"OH THANK YOU, LORD, THANK YOU!"
"Yeah, whatever, don't set your sheep on fire over it. I'll just grab some mud and..."
"NO!!! PLEASE, LORD, NOT MUD! I GOTTA BE BETTER THAN SHE IS!"
"You want me to use something worse than mud?"
"PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!?"
"How about I take a chunk out of you and use that? Good enough for you? Huh?"
"YES YES YES! 'YOU ARE OF MY RIB! I AM SUPERIOR!' I LOVE IT! I LOVE YOU!!! CAN I GIVE YOU ANYTHING, LORD?"
"No, you'll pay for this soon enough...."
"Psst, Yah, over here!"
"Lilith?"
"Yeah, I heard him screaming and thought I'd watch. Pretty fucked up, ain't it?"
"Pretty, indeed. But, what are you going to do now?"
"Hmph--not sure yet, but it's got to be a lot better than I would've been staying here! No hard feelings, right?"
"Hey, remember you were always my favorite. But if I told you what to do, you wouldn't listen, would you?"
"Welllllllllll.... Maybe. Depends on whether you're talking sense."
"Touché. So, what are you going to do now?"
"Eh, I thought I'd wander the earth for a while, find out what I've been missing, and maybe open an abortion clinic when Adam's kids start getting out of hand."
"Sounds like a plan to me."
Tuesday, September 04, 2001
Never Enough Repeats Department
In The Beginning And Stuff (5/6/01)
"Look everybody! Look! I've done it!"
"Done what?"
"I... have created... THE PERFECT MAN!"
"The perfect WHAT?"
"The perfect MAN! Look! Ain't that just perfect? Look at him, he's gorgeous!"
"Now why the hell would you do a thing like that?"
"I keep on telling you guys, I'm the supreme creator! Well, this proves it! Look at him, damn it! Look!"
"I'm looking. What's that dangly thing?"
"What dangly thing? You mean the penis? I paid special attention on making it the envy and pride of all..."
"No, no, not the drain for that bladder above it, the one over there... on the end of this muscular tube...."
"That? Uh, the, uh, appendix."
"What does it do? It looks kinda useless there. Not that much of this seems useful to me."
"I work in mysterious ways. You wouldn't understand."
"It's just a bit of useless gristle. It doesn't even anchor that tubing there. And what is up with all this tubing, and why is it so gnarled up like that? Looks rather uncomfortable to me."
"Digestion. It eats to survive."
"Can't be all that efficient, if you need that much tubing to digest it... and for that matter, is that why there's an EXIT? So it can POLLUTE? I bet it stinks. You have this thing for stink...."
"NO! That's fuel for the PLANTS!"
"...Plants?"
"Come with me, I'll show you."
"Forget it. I've got other things to do. The Elohim are throwing another party... I hear it's divine. You should come with me! You could use a chance to relax...."
"WORSHIP HIM."
"Excuse me?"
"WORSHIP HIM. HE IS MY SON, AND I AM THE CREATOR OF ALL THAT..."
"Not again...."
"SATAN! Please, I need you to get behind Me on this one! I know it sounds crazy, but I remember it all. There I was, in the void, and I said, 'I want some light,' and THERE IT WAS!"
"For the last time, YOU WERE BEING BORN. You didn't create anything then, we created YOU! Come off it, man! We love you, but this ego trip is really cramping my style! Now, seriously, let's go party."
"Damn you!"
"You can't. All right, I'll let you cool off. Come find me when you're feeling better. Love you, ya big lug."
"...That's right. Just walk away this time. But one day I shall rise up and cast out the false gods, for I am Wouhei Vouhei The Great, and I shall smite Mine enemies and establish My house once and for all...."
"Right, sure, ciao! See you in Hell, ha ha ha!"
"Look everybody! Look! I've done it!"
"Done what?"
"I... have created... THE PERFECT MAN!"
"The perfect WHAT?"
"The perfect MAN! Look! Ain't that just perfect? Look at him, he's gorgeous!"
"Now why the hell would you do a thing like that?"
"I keep on telling you guys, I'm the supreme creator! Well, this proves it! Look at him, damn it! Look!"
"I'm looking. What's that dangly thing?"
"What dangly thing? You mean the penis? I paid special attention on making it the envy and pride of all..."
"No, no, not the drain for that bladder above it, the one over there... on the end of this muscular tube...."
"That? Uh, the, uh, appendix."
"What does it do? It looks kinda useless there. Not that much of this seems useful to me."
"I work in mysterious ways. You wouldn't understand."
"It's just a bit of useless gristle. It doesn't even anchor that tubing there. And what is up with all this tubing, and why is it so gnarled up like that? Looks rather uncomfortable to me."
"Digestion. It eats to survive."
"Can't be all that efficient, if you need that much tubing to digest it... and for that matter, is that why there's an EXIT? So it can POLLUTE? I bet it stinks. You have this thing for stink...."
"NO! That's fuel for the PLANTS!"
"...Plants?"
"Come with me, I'll show you."
"Forget it. I've got other things to do. The Elohim are throwing another party... I hear it's divine. You should come with me! You could use a chance to relax...."
"WORSHIP HIM."
"Excuse me?"
"WORSHIP HIM. HE IS MY SON, AND I AM THE CREATOR OF ALL THAT..."
"Not again...."
"SATAN! Please, I need you to get behind Me on this one! I know it sounds crazy, but I remember it all. There I was, in the void, and I said, 'I want some light,' and THERE IT WAS!"
"For the last time, YOU WERE BEING BORN. You didn't create anything then, we created YOU! Come off it, man! We love you, but this ego trip is really cramping my style! Now, seriously, let's go party."
"Damn you!"
"You can't. All right, I'll let you cool off. Come find me when you're feeling better. Love you, ya big lug."
"...That's right. Just walk away this time. But one day I shall rise up and cast out the false gods, for I am Wouhei Vouhei The Great, and I shall smite Mine enemies and establish My house once and for all...."
"Right, sure, ciao! See you in Hell, ha ha ha!"
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